Thursday, July 29, 2010

Sarah's Death Panel -- Decider, Executioner


Miracle Number Two – Lazarus Raised From The Dead

John 11:42-43 And when he thus had spoken, he cried with a loud voice, Lazarus, come forth. And he that was dead came forth, bound hand and foot with graveclothes: and his face was bound about with a napkin. Jesus saith unto them, Loose him, and let him go.

Just then Sarah Harpycrite, a prominent Republican, stepped forward and said: “No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait! What is going on here?”

One of the astonished onlookers said: “The master just brought him back from the dead! He’s been in that tomb four days. Truly is Jesus the Christ!”

“Is that so?” she said to Lazarus. “And who, may I ask, is your health insurer?”

“Whatever that is, I don’t have one,” he answered. “I’m a poor man, I have nothing. But I have life, God be praised!”

“So you’re just going to go back to sucking on Uncle Sam’s teat—that’s your plan, isn’t it?” Sarah smarmed. “Why don’t you do the world a favor, and just stay dead? Weren’t you happier where you were anyway? Isn’t that where all you dreamers want to be? Why don’t you go prepare it for him, he’ll be coming right along, woncha Jesus?” she said more than asked, and with a wrenching wink that could break glass.

“I do have loved ones I would like to see again,” Lazarus explained.

“Sob, sob, sob!” Sarah harped. “Don’t we all. Ya know what, it’s time to put a stop to this government interference with its ‘wah wah wah’ death regulations.” She hefted up a large rock and whacked him in the head with it. “Since you’re already dead, I can’t get in trouble for killing you. And if you’re already dead, then you’re a--die, zombie!” She shrieked and leaped on him, then whipped herself into a frenzy and pummeled him with the small boulder.

Everyone looked to Jesus for his response. He stood staring, then slowly said: “He was never dead and shall live forever: God had caused a sleep to be upon him, that he might become an example for all.”

“And I made him just that,” Sarah proudly declared. She clapped the imaginary dust off her hands, then blew the imaginary smoke off her pistol of a fingertip, and strutted off into her oblivion. The dumbstruck, slackjawed witnesses watched her departure in awe while Jesus kneeled down and ministered to Lazarus.

Friday, July 23, 2010

What If Republicans Were Present At The Miracles Of Christ?

Miracle Number One—Thousands Fed With A Few Loaves and Fishes

Matthew 15:34-36. And Jesus saith unto them, How many loaves have ye? And they said, Seven, and a few little fishes. And he commanded the multitude to sit down on the ground. And he took the seven loaves and the fishes, and gave thanks, and brake them, and gave to his disciples, and the disciples—

Just then two older, white-haired men stepped forward and intervened. Let’s call them Newt and Judas Lieberman.

“Hold on a moment, everybody,” Newt said. “There seems to be enough to go around, but before you eat we have to get a few things straight.” He turned to a couple of lads that were standing nearby and said: “You boys, run and get some plastic bags and a scale, and you’ll eat for a discount. Hurry!”

“Why hurry?” one of the boys answered. “Because the people are starving?”

“No,” Newt replied. “If the fish spoil in the sun they’ll be worthless. Now go!” He turned and addressed the crowd: “Before anyone gets any ideas, you should know that a hundred Roman soldiers are about five minutes away and marching toward us.”

“We are non-violent people gathered in peace,” one of the disciples explained.

“Good, that simplifies the matter of crowd control,” Newt replied.

"Excuse me," the disciple meekly said; "but this is our food."

"Is it now?" Newt replied. "Do you have soldiers backing you up? I think not. My food."

"Uh, Newt," Judas Lieberman quietly said. "Wouldn't it be more expeditious to just sell sandwiches rather than weighing and bagging everything?"

“Good idea! What’s the going price of a fish sandwich in Galilee these days?” he asked the disciple.

The disciple was utterly bewildered, and mumbled: “I don’t know, half a shekel?”

Newt rubbed his chin and contemplated for a few moments, then said: “Very well, taking into consideration the circumstances, the rule of supply and demand, and the clear lack of competition, I think we can fairly expect to get a shekel a sandwich. The line forms in front me.” Then he lowered his voice and said to Judas Lieberman: “You fill the bread, I’ll collect it.”

“You always make me get my hands dirty,” Judas Lieberman complained.

“They are your people,” Newt answered. “And knowing how finicky they are about their food, they’ll be more apt to buy knowing that it was handled by a fellow Jew.”

“Uh, these people don’t have any money,” the disciple explained. “They are the poor children of God. We've been nurturing their souls, and were about to nourish their bodies.”

Newt’s face scrunched into a twisted visage of contempt. “Do they think free market means free eats and free rides for freeloaders? Whose sardines are these anyway?”

“Our Lord and master provided them,” the disciple revealed, pointing Jesus out.

“Newtie Patootie,” Judas Lieberman whispered in his ear, “that’s the famous Nazarene who’s been working wonders and miraculously healing the sick about Israel of late. I'm not a believer myself, but I have heard the tales.”

“Is he now?” Newt said. He approached Jesus and looked him up and down. “Do you have your fishing license?” he asked. Jesus stared back in silence. Newt continued. “Because if you don’t, that’s a violation of the law, and you’ve been cheating the government of tax revenue. Answer me.” Jesus continued to stare back in silence. The Roman soldiers appeared, and several gathered behind Newt and Judas Lieberman.

“Very well,” Newt said to Jesus. “Even if you do have your license, you’ve obviously exceeded the legal catch limit, so one way or another you’ve broken the law. Boys, arrest and take him to jail. We’ll let a judge sort out the charges.” Two apprehended Christ, and Newt instructed the other soldiers to disperse the crowd, eat their fill of fish and bread, and throw the leftovers to the dogs. Then he turned to the people and shouted: “And the rest of you, get out of here! Go get jobs and feed yourselves! You hang around with your hands stretched out--you claim in prayer, but I see the truth through your lie. You’re waiting for someone to hand you something for nothing. You lazy slobs make me sick! Go on, before I command a slaughter!”

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Rick Warren's Blindness

Rick Warren was temporarily blinded earlier this week, when the toxic ooze of a firestick plant got in his eyes while gardening. He was hospitalized overnight, and his burning eyes swollen shut for at least a day before receding. I pray for you, Rick. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

I was harkened to a famous blinding in the Bible—when Saul was stricken for three days on the road to Damascus. He was a Jew from Tarsus who had delighted in persecuting the followers of Jesus Christ. He encouraged the mob that stoned Stephen, the first martyr to die for Jesus. In his blindness he saw the glory of the light, changed his name to Paul, and through much suffering, which he counted all joy, planted the church in the world.

It’s very basic New Testament.

In November 2006, after a trip to Syria, while commenting on Christian Muslim coexistence in that nation, Rick Warren stated: “In fact, you know Saul of Tarsus—Saul was a Syrian. St. Paul, on the road to Damascus, had his conversion experience, and so Christians have been here the longest, and they get along with the Muslims, and the Muslims get along with them. There's a lot less tension than in other places.”

Tarsus is in TURKEY.

On April 7, 2009, on The Larry King Show, Warren famously lied: “I am not an anti-gay, or anti-gay marriage activist. I never have been, never will be. During the whole Proposition Eight thing, I never once went to a meeting, never once issued a statement, never, never once even gave an endorsement in the two years Prop Eight was going.”

In a prominent video supporting prop 8 that ran during the election cycle of 08, Rick Warren said: “Now, let me just say this really clearly: we support Proposition Eight, and if you believe what the Bible says about marriage, you need to support Proposition Eight. I never support a candidate, but on moral issues I come out very clear.”

In December of 2008, Pastor Warren presented George Bush with the first International Medal of PEACE, in recognition of his contributions to the fight against HIV/AIDS and other diseases. Giving George Bush warlord a PEACE award in the name of Christ. Words fail me there.

Treating his eyes back at home, Warren tweeted: “May God use this pain for His Glory.”

Here’s your chance to emulate Paul, Rick.

With renewed eyes you should read that Bible you thump. You’ll see therein God doesn’t like lying, and if you truly aspired to a heart like Christ, you wouldn’t endorse and campaign to elect the devils you exhort with implications that it’s Godly to vote in. It’s not. It’s not very Christian to wage war, destroy the earth, deprive the poor to enrich the wealthy, who oppose health care for everyone, who condemn the innocent with lies, who enable banks to steal wealth and wield it against the victims to also steal their homes. Many of your chosen candidates are very evil men and women, liars who call themselves Christian but are not.

Don’t you see them for who they really are? Don’t you SEE what they’ve done to America and the world? Are you still BLIND?

If so you have a cold and hard heart like Pharaoh and I pray for you, Rick, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Is Sharron Angle Another Phony Christian?

“I’m a Christian, and I believe that God has a plan and a purpose for each one of our lives, and that He can intercede in all kinds of situations and we need to have a little faith in many things.” Sharron Angle, The Bill Manders’ Show, 780 KOH, in January 2010.

I watched Sharron’s June 29th interview on Face to Face with Jon Ralston.

You confuse me, Sharron.

You say you’re pro life and pro death penalty. It’s pretty basic English, it’s one or the other, you can’t be both.

Sharron said: “Those who commit heinous crimes should pay the consequences, and where there is innocent life, I’ll always err on the side of innocent life.” Have you seen the spate of dna exonerations of long term inmates who were innocent all along? Don’t those innocent lives count into your definition of ‘innocent?’ Or if the courts so decide, must they die? God said: Vengeance is mine, I will repay. Who are you to usurp God's authority?

Sharron takes the position that global warming is not real. Thousands of scientists and researchers and academics have provided reams of proof that it is real, but Sharron, who may not even know what the periodic table is, says otherwise.

Sharron revised her previously stated position of eliminating Social Security into revamping it as a privatized system. And Medicaid and Medicare, and all health care for that matter, still must go. How very Christian. Yours is one of the compassionate hearts Jesus wants to people his kingdom.

She claims her role as Senator is not to create jobs, then blames Harry Reid for not creating jobs, when he actually used the stimulus to bring lots of jobs to Nevada. All that being true, Sharron is lying (not very Christian). She said “a census part time job is not a job. People want a job that has benefits, that has a future, that is something they can count on to pay their mortgage.” Immediately after that she said that she would have voted against extending unemployment benefits because it discourages people from taking low paying menial jobs, and we need to get back to work. Again, which is it?

Even after the oil disaster you want to eliminate all corporate and environmental regulations, making it still easier for the wicked ones who savage God’s creation. Surely you’ve read the Bible, where it is written of the end of the world: Revelation (11:18), And the nations were angry, and thy wrath is come, and the time of the dead, that they should be judged, and that thou shouldest give reward unto thy servants the prophets, and to the saints, and them that fear thy name, small and great; and shouldest destroy them which destroy the earth.

If you were truly Christian those words would terrify you, and you’d distance yourself from the destroyers of the earth, not enable and be a complicit partaker of their deadly sin.

So let’s recap the Angle campaign. Innocent people should die if judged guilty by the courts. Climate change needs not be addressed, it’s not real. The elderly who aren’t fortunate enough to be able to pay into the bizarro world Angle social security system will have nothing to support them in their golden years, and no health care—from a Christian society—to ease the pains of age and provide a dignified exit from this world. Even after DESTROYING the gulf, (where I happen to live and which provided my livelihood), big business should be allowed to conduct their affairs unregulated by the government. And Americans should pipe down and lick up the crumbs of the minimum wage jobs they provide.

So, Sharron, after perpetrating all these things in the last years of your life, you plan on coming to Jesus at your death and hearing him say the words: “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

You must really hate your children, and your country, if that’s the society and the planet you’d leave for them to inherit. I love Christ—you don’t sound like a Christian to me. You sound like one of the self-righteous morality enforcers who call themselves ‘Christian,' in the hope of receiving forgiveness for all your evils, and votes in November from likeminded liars.