Thursday, July 29, 2010

Sarah's Death Panel -- Decider, Executioner


Miracle Number Two – Lazarus Raised From The Dead

John 11:42-43 And when he thus had spoken, he cried with a loud voice, Lazarus, come forth. And he that was dead came forth, bound hand and foot with graveclothes: and his face was bound about with a napkin. Jesus saith unto them, Loose him, and let him go.

Just then Sarah Harpycrite, a prominent Republican, stepped forward and said: “No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait! What is going on here?”

One of the astonished onlookers said: “The master just brought him back from the dead! He’s been in that tomb four days. Truly is Jesus the Christ!”

“Is that so?” she said to Lazarus. “And who, may I ask, is your health insurer?”

“Whatever that is, I don’t have one,” he answered. “I’m a poor man, I have nothing. But I have life, God be praised!”

“So you’re just going to go back to sucking on Uncle Sam’s teat—that’s your plan, isn’t it?” Sarah smarmed. “Why don’t you do the world a favor, and just stay dead? Weren’t you happier where you were anyway? Isn’t that where all you dreamers want to be? Why don’t you go prepare it for him, he’ll be coming right along, woncha Jesus?” she said more than asked, and with a wrenching wink that could break glass.

“I do have loved ones I would like to see again,” Lazarus explained.

“Sob, sob, sob!” Sarah harped. “Don’t we all. Ya know what, it’s time to put a stop to this government interference with its ‘wah wah wah’ death regulations.” She hefted up a large rock and whacked him in the head with it. “Since you’re already dead, I can’t get in trouble for killing you. And if you’re already dead, then you’re a--die, zombie!” She shrieked and leaped on him, then whipped herself into a frenzy and pummeled him with the small boulder.

Everyone looked to Jesus for his response. He stood staring, then slowly said: “He was never dead and shall live forever: God had caused a sleep to be upon him, that he might become an example for all.”

“And I made him just that,” Sarah proudly declared. She clapped the imaginary dust off her hands, then blew the imaginary smoke off her pistol of a fingertip, and strutted off into her oblivion. The dumbstruck, slackjawed witnesses watched her departure in awe while Jesus kneeled down and ministered to Lazarus.

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