Sunday, November 9, 2014

Election Night With Jesus

After months of organizing his apostles and disciples into a fifty state strategy to elect as many Republicans as possible on election night 2014, Jesus was finally able to sit back and relax and enjoy the fruits of his labors as the red tide washed over America like a bloodbath. 
Jesus was very pleased with the results, and decided to spend the evening celebrating with his fellow victors.  He went to Washington, where he made the rounds of the parties being hosted by jubilant lobbyists, and started at the NRA shindig.
“Thanks for stopping by Jesus!” Wayne LaPierre, executive vice president of the NRA said.
“Victory for the Republicans is victory for the second amendment which is victory for Jesus.  I am very pleased,” He said, then changed the subject.  “I have a new way for you to spin school shootings in the media.”
“Do share!” LaPierre exhorted.  “Yours are the best!”
“Take Newtown and all those babies, for example,” Jesus said.  “What you say is that Adam Lanza was doing God’s work saving those children.  If they had gone on to grow up many of them would have fallen into the various sins that daily condemn otherwise perfectly good men and women to the fires of hell.  Now all twenty are in heaven and Adam Lanza is their savior.”
“That’s great!  That’s why we love being on your side Jesus,” La Pierre replied.
“I’ve got to move along, there are many parties tonight, but before I go, take a look at one of the bullets in your pocket.”
La Pierre removed a handful and saw that they were all inscribed JC LOVES YOU.
“That just appeared on every bullet in America.  I will see you soon.”
Jesus walked over to the BP Exxon party, where he was warmly greeted by oil company executives.  “Are we happy to see you!” one of the executives said.  “A magnificent day at the polls!”
“Indeed,” Jesus agreed.
“Hey, you came just at the right time, as always,” one of the oil executives said.  “One of our wives just read a prophecy in the Bible that in the end days God promises to destroy those who destroy the earth.  We don’t know whether to worry…what’s the interpretation?”
“No worries, guys,” Jesus replied.  “You’re safe.  That refers to liberals who are trying to wreck America with health care, education, caring for the poor and clean air and water.”
“Well, you know oil extraction is dirty business,” the executive said.  “We really slop it around, and we were worried that the Bible is referring to things like the Gulf oil spill.”
“You’re good,” Jesus said.  “That refers to the liberals whose very existence pollutes the earth wherever they walk.  They are the vipers, they are the tares, they are the goats, they will fuel the fires, the baby killers.”
“Whew,” the executive responded, actually wiping his forehead.  “We were worried it was literal.”
“I’ve got to go, more parties to visit and share in this great victory,” Jesus said, turning toward the door.  “Before I go, two things: Keystone will eventually be approved, thank God; and here’s a trick, just for you.”  There happened to be a bowl of oil there; Jesus turned it into champagne, thanked them again for voting Republican then headed to the Philip Morris party.  

He walked into the affair and was immediately greeted by a pack of tobacco executives who plugged a celebratory cigar into the Lord's mouth.  He took a long satisfying drag, then said:  "Thank you my friends, for supporting my cause this election day.  Your cash contributions were invaluable to my victory today!"

"Cheers for Jesus!" they cried and toasted.

"I have to be moving along, I have many people yet to thank, but I did bring a little surprise for you."

"What? What is it?" they begged to know.

"I'm going to authorize candy cigarettes as rewards in Sunday School classes."

He moved along to the Pfizer Merck affair, where the pharmaceutical industry executives were ecstatic with the election results.  They greeted Jesus with a cocktail for the ages.  He sipped it then said:  "God and I have come up with a few new diseases that only can you cure--for a fee of course.  And I had a brainstorm on the way here.  I just told the gang at the tobacco companies that I am going to authorize candy cigarettes for children as Sunday School rewards.  We'll give you guys the no bid contract and you can make the cigarettes out of whatever addictive drugs you'd like to introduce into their systems."

"Brilliant as always, Jesus!" the executives cried.

"Ciao!" He answered.  "I have to hurry along."
Jesus then crossed the street to the Frackers’ ball at the Hilton.  They greeted him warmly and thanked him for appearing.  “No, thank you,” Jesus replied.  “Thank you for donating your time and energy and especially your big black money to making this night glorious.  Your reward will come to full fruition in 2016 when we can pair a president with the power of this insanely awesome right wing congress and kick you back the payoffs your efforts have earned and so richly deserve.”
“Hey Jesus,” one of the frackers said.  “We’ve been wanting to ask you something.  Some liberal troll wrote a letter to our fan club and said that the Bible prophesies that in the end days bitter waters will sicken and kill many, and that while it is impossible but that offenses must come, woe to him through whom they come.  Does that refer to us and all the crazy chemicals we’re injecting into the water supplies around the country and which we don’t have to disclose thanks to the Bush Cheney Crime machine?”
“No,” Jesus reassured.  “In fact that whiny liberal is actually making those waters bitter with the tears they’re flooding the earth with tonight!”
Everyone laughed, then the holy iphone rang, and Jesus paused to read and respond to a text.  “It’s been real everyone, and have a great night celebrating!  I’m off to the Coke Nestle Pepsico bash!”
The food conglomerates set aside their business differences for the evening and celebrated together with an all you can eat and drink gourmet buffet and open bar smorgasbord.  Jesus had only just arrived when one drunken female sugar peddling executive slurred:  “Do the wine trick!  Do the wine trick!”
“It sounds to me like you’ve already had enough, I hope you’re not driving,” Jesus smartly advised.
Suddenly someone screamed:  “I hope you pigs are happy!  Children are going to bed hungry as you gorge in celebration of electing the Republicans who are not only content to let them starve, but who plan to add to their rolls by further cutting food stamps!”
Security escorted the liberal protestor away in handcuffs, much to the food executives’ delight.  “I know you’re perfect, and always have the right answer to everything, so out of curiosity, how would you have answered that liberal about cutting food stamps to funnel the money into the multi billion dollar big agriculture subsidies going to our companies which already make billions?”
“Simply with the truth,” Jesus replied.  “Not everyone makes the cut and enters heaven, and we only want the best and strongest, those with the resiliency to withstand all their years on earth.  Such do not grow up from weak babies, and a little hunger here and there teaches faith and makes them stronger in the long run, and hopefully more fit for me in the end.  It’s been great to see you all, and thank you for your service to me out in the field and in the voting booth.  Truly are you disciples.  Enjoy.”
Then he stopped in the door, turned back and said:  “One last thing.  Genetically modified organisms are not only perfectly okay, they are cool.  God and I like the new ideas we get from the mutations you invent, and in the cases where GMOs do cause cancer, that just brings the cancer patient to me that much sooner.  Ta ta!” 
Jesus was on his way to the Pentagon when the night air suddenly chilled him and he wrapped his robe fully around himself.  He was approaching Connecticut Avenue when he stopped near a dark side street, and when no one was looking he donned a white hood and snuck into the dark house behind which several dozen members of the KKK were gathered around a fire.
“Who are you?” one of the racists said to Jesus as he approached in the dark. 
“I am the Lord, Jesus,” He replied.
“Prove it!” the racist replied, both loudly and warily.
“Does anyone else here have a halo around the point of their hood?” Jesus said while pointing above his head.
The racist noted it with squirrely eyes peeping out his holes, and replied:  “You make a good point.  It’s a good thing you got here when you did.  We were about to burn the huge cross we brung for the occasion.”
“I wish you would wait until I leave,” Jesus replied.  “Even though we just coincidentally share the same political views, after being crucified on one I’d really rather not relive the experience.”
“We understand, we’ll wait,” the racist replied.  He paused, then excitedly said:  “Did we chop the balls off the uppity negro, or did we chop the balls off that uppity negro!?!?”
“I’d say he’s a castrated, circumcised lame duck ready to be braised crispy with orange sauce,” Jesus cleverly observed.  “It’s cold and there are mosquitoes and I have more supporters to thank so I’ll let you get on with your campfire.”  The rest of the hooded gang had gathered round and was listening closely.  “Before I go let me remind everyone of you that despite the fact that I dwelled in the middle eastern wilderness where the people are brown, I am of Aryan descent and as bright white as my own purity and holiness.  Of course I’m white!  I’m an ever blessed being of spirit and light who dwells in the luminescent light of Father’s smile which, of course, is the whitest smile in the universe.  Thank you again, see y’all soon.”
Jesus snuck back out of the shadows and went to the Pentagon where George Bush, Dick Cheney and their cronies from the for profit war machine Halliburton and the rest of the industrial military complex were celebrating the Republican victory.  They were all gathered, most in uniform, near a massive wall upon which huge maps of the world were drawn.  There were oil wells and soldiers from various countries wearing a variety of uniforms holographically projected upon it, and the very serious men were pointing to it and discussing their fantasies of where they could send some human beings to be sacrificed and ruined destroying other human beings. 
Upon seeing Him George Bush went straightway to Jesus and said: “I need to thank you again for delivering your voting bloc in 2000.  We barely squeaked that one out and the Christians were indispensible to my slender margin of victory.”
“And you and Dick and the rest of you have been faithful servants and great warriors for God in this ongoing battle against evil.  War gets a bad name and you’ve made great strides in polishing its image.  Do you like watching explosions and gunfire, and scenes of carnage and slaughter?  Be honest George.”
“I do,” George reluctantly replied.
“Well, you are made in God’s image, so He likes to blow shit up and watch people die too,” Jesus replied.  “Your earthly wars are nothing; merely side shows fro heaven.  Have you ever seen a super nova through the Hubble telescope?”
“What’s a super nova and what’s a Hubble?” Bush replied.
“It’s not important,” Jesus continued.  “What is important is that you carry on the good fight in God’s war against Satan’s armies, where God’s righteous warriors are you Christians while these infidel muslims and their false religion Islam fight for Satan,   Keep up the righteous warfare, and on behalf of God I promise that Halliburton will be pocketing another forty billion in profit off the back of human misery, and sooner rather than later.  I must go gentlemen, I have yet more people to see and thank for this glorious landslide election.”
Jesus left the Pentagon and transported himself to New York, where he went to Wall Street for the big bankers, stockbrokers and insurance executives bash.  They were dancing in the street with fat cigars and over sized bottles of champagne.  Jesus took a selfie with the golden calf, then mounted it and posed for his greedy friends.
Following that the bankers and brokers and insurance executives had prepared for Jesus’ arrival, and led him into a brightly lit, lavishly decorated ballroom where they dropped bags of hundred dollar bills onto air blowers, making it rain Benjamins upon the Lord like confetti.
“Thank you, but please, you did all the yeoman’s work this election, providing the billions of shady cash and dark money needed to drown out the voice of the people, who are ignorant, mostly evil and don’t know what’s best for themselves,” Jesus said.  “The true Christians would not have emerged victorious without your efforts, and we thank you.”
“Hey Jesus,” one of the bankers said.  “I actually opened a Bible for the first time the other day.  It was an accident; I thought it was a ledger.  But then I started reading some of what you wrote about my money being my consolation and how it’s easier for me to thread a needle with a camel than to get a ticket to your kingdom, and it sounds like I can’t even scalp them.”

Jesus chuckled.  “That was two thousand years ago and times have changed.  I had no idea life on earth was going to become so cool.  Ipads, ipods, iphones, sports cars, luxury beachfront condos with swimming pools filled with hot women.  If I was to write that today I would write, woe unto the poor missing out on the fun!”  Jesus’ iphone beeped, he quickly responded to a text then said:  “Well, I have a long night and many people yet to visit.  I’m off to the Frackers’ ball.  You guys are vital cogs in the world, and on behalf of God Himself I thank you for being the honest and just stewards of America’s national treasury.  Thanks again for all the cash and keep the kickbacks, the payouts and the bribes coming!”
Jesus finally departed Wall Street and made His way to the World Trade Center.  He ascended to the top floor and entered the extravagant affair that was in progress.  It was the Koch Brothers victory celebration for having successfully added the Senate to their portfolio   The building had just re opened the day before after thirteen years since 9/11.  The Koch brothers were friends with the billionaire owner of the World Trade Center, and had arranged to christen the new building with a proper celebration. 
Upon entering Jesus was met with a kiosk that was a large credit card machine, upon which was a large sign that read:  PLEASE CONTRIBUTE TO THE FIGHT AGAINST THE LIBERAL PERSECUTORS. 
Beneath that heading, in smaller print, the sign continued.  Bob McDonnell and his wife could use some snacks in prison if you’d like to donate to their commissary.  You also have your choice of any of these defense funds.  Rick Perry, Michael Grimm, Jesse Benton (Mitch McConnell’s former campaign manager who was forced to resign after accepting a bribe from Ron Paul), and Bobby Harrell and Mike Hubbard, the speakers of the house in South Carolina and Alabama’s legislatures respectively, who have both been indicted on corruption charges thanks to the endless liberal crusade against the way we live our lives.  You may also choose to donate to the upcoming defense funds of Chris Christie, Scott Walker, Sam Brownback and Michele Bachmann, who are all currently under investigation and could be indicted any day.
Jesus donated to every righteous cause, then entered the affair and said hello to some of the guests who included Ted Nugent, Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, Michael Savage, Billy Graham, Geraldo Rivera, Greta Von Susteren, Dan Quayle, Bill O’Reilly, Ann Coulter, James O’Keefe, Sean Hannity, Sheldon Adelson, Mitt Romney, Donald Trump, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, Michele Bachmann, Eric Cantor, Herman Cain, as well as the righteous right wing pastors Rick Warren, Joel Osteen, Joyce Meyer and John Hagee.  It was a star studded, VIP gala, and everyone there wanted to meet Jesus as much as he wanted to greet every last one of them.
Late in the night Jesus repaired alone to a balcony and looked out over New York City.  It reminded him of the time the Devil had taken him to the top of the world and offered him all its kingdoms.  “With my kingdom at my feet,” Jesus softly said to himself.  “Thank you Father, for this glorious victory for America and for the world.”

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